Friday, April 25, 2014

Begin Again

It's time to start writing again. After months of being absent around here I've been inspired to start sharing again. Sharing a story of our time here in Japan. The story of the new life we've created. Sharing our story.

I've missed writing and each time I sit to write I feel like I have to write a novel so I leave it for later.  It may just be a few words, pictures, mom things, baseball things, baby things, Japanese things, sewing things, or just whatever. I will attempt to be here more, but only when I'm not needed elsewhere - Wife, Mom, Housekeeper, Chef, then blogger.

So here we go takin' it back a bit to some honesty on being a new momma.

The beginning of my time as a new mom I was fearful, of everything. I was scared. I thought it was going to come more naturally to me. That it would be easy. I know... crazy idea right? My expectations were high. I would bounce right back after babies birth, and just go and do, she would wear cute outfits and I would be cute momma and life would just be peachy. But that's not exactly how it happens, at least not for us, and people are hesitant to tell you that. No one wants to rain on a glowing pregnant ladies parade, am I right? 

I cried those tears I was warned I would cry. Breastfeeding hurt like the dickens. And my baby, she wasn't as accepting to her new life outside the womb. It bothered me when she would cry. Then I felt all sorts of guilt. Guilt for not loving everything about our new baby, the crying. I loved our new baby more than words can say, the best blessing, but I also had no clue what I was doing. I remember telling Brandon as tears streamed down my face that I couldn't do this. He looked me in the eyes, and as scared as I know he was at the time, reassured me that we most certainly could and that he was there to help me.

We faced so many challenges those first weeks. High billirubin levels resulting in a return visit to the hospital for a two night stay. A tree falling during a storm that could have crushed our home on our second night there. Clogged milk ducts and cracked nipples. Yep I said nipples, read on its not a big deal. It was rough and totally not what I had imagined. But we pressed on, encouraged and loved on by our family and friends. Truthfully, I wanted to press pause on life, go crawl into bed and sleep for as long as I could. But I couldn't. I remember using humor daily. I just had to make things funny to accept what they were. Sadly I can only remember a few jokes but if you were to ask my mom and sister I'm sure they could supply you with some of my sleep deprived one liners. I was cheap entertainment.

I wondered if I would ever fix my hair and put on make up again. Vain I know, I was a new mom and she should be my number one priority. What about my dog, would he ever get snuggles again or have me take him out? I thought I would live in red Christmas pajama pants and a pink fleece until she was a year old. I had tunnel vision and just could not see things getting any easier.

They did, and continue to do so today. I'm not sure when exactly, or how, but they did.

I still question if I am doing things right. I question what is best for our baby. But the fear I had before has rescinded and I feel more confident in my role as mom. Each day is a learning experience, she throws us curve balls good and bad. I still grumble when I'm woke up in the middle of the night, but with grace, lots and lots of grace from the Lord, I get through it. Being a mother is my most favorite thing, it is hard, but oh so good.

Her farts make us giggle (sometimes gag).  She teaches us about patience, teamwork, and how to love deeper and unconditionally. She is the light of our lives and I look forward to sharing more of that with you all. But for now, those little farts and a dimpled smile are calling my name, most likely with an accompanying full diaper that needs a change.

Glad to be back - thanks for joining us. - Lauren

1 comment:

  1. Love reading your blog. She is so adorable (like you didn't know, right?)!! Sandie