No Sugar Coating, I'm Not Willy Wonka

Yikes. I have seen an ugly side of myself this week. After parting ways with Brandon at the airport on Thursday morning I have been in quite a funk. It actually died off about Friday evening but it was ugly while it lasted. I was sad and deflated. How could such a wonderful seven days with my husband leave me feeling like this?

I try to stay positive here on the blog, not to give you the wrong idea but more so to encourage others to be positive. I truly feel I've been honest with you all about how I've been dealing with being a baseball wife and all that comes with it. I have enjoyed the travel, adventure, and the unexpected. I have found myself keeping busy with multitude of things and it hasn't seem bad at all. Until lately. I cracked. 

I was craving more time with him. Another morning to wake up next to each other and I couldn't have it. I was both angry and sad, yet helpless. This is what it looks like. The ugly side. I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep the day away. But at the same time I knew I wanted to change how I felt. I knew that I had overcome these less severe feelings I've had in the past and that I could do it again.

This negativity snowballed. Yes it gets worse. The whole time I drove from Memphis to Missouri I debated back and forth on closing LaurenDarlings. I've been blessed with this gift but I am struggling to figure out how to utilize it in the way I was created to do so. I really enjoy making and creating/sewing different things. The weeks when I am with Brandon I pretty much have to put the shop in vacation mode. I also don't want to spend all my time online networking when I can be looking at his cute face, cooking him dinner, or spending quality time with him. It has left me torn and at this point I haven't figured out how to balance and make both work. Of course he will always come first no question.

When I'm not with Brandon I spend my time sewing. As I just explained, I wasn't sure my heart was in the right place on return from this trip. What was the point, at this point, to keep making anything? I just kept buying more, and making more, and selling less. I'm not concerned with making a profit, I would just like to be able to make back what I put into my shop. But I wasn't, I'm not and that is really discouraging.

I sat at my machine for an hour before I even turned it on, maybe longer. I had a few requests from some people I knew in town asking for various items. I had told them I would try to make those products so that's what I was going to do. I have to say those projects are what helped me out of the slump. I'm grateful for them. I also apologize to those individuals who have been patiently waiting for me to fill their requests. Truth be told I want to keep all the things I made for them. But I won't. 

In the meantime Brandon knew I was in a sad place and that I was missing him terribly. He text me this. 

"P.U.S.H. through it." 

He always has been very simple but that text was exactly what I needed. For those who have never heard this, it's an acronym for pray until something happens. I can always count on him to say the right thing and encourage me when I need it most. 

You, as well as myself, will be glad to hear the slump is over. I prayed for peace and direction and I still am. I miss Brandon dearly but... I am thankful my passion to sew and create hasn't been taken from me. For a minute, I thought it was gone and I would have dealt with it. It was a great reminder to me of how much I actually love sewing.

I can't tell you for sure the direction LaurenDarlings will take. I've decided only this, I'm going to keep making product and use whatever supplies I have on hand without buying new. I will be listing and selling these various items and most likely there may be only one available. Some fabrics I have more of, others I only have a scrap piece, If you love it snatch it up. I will probably make them first available to my Instagram followers because it's my favorite and easiest form of social media. If you're not following me my username is @larnlevydickson. From there I will list them in my storenvy shop - LaurenDarlings. As always you can contact me via email - laurendarlings@gmail.com. 

I know posts that aren't happy, cheery, and full of great photos aren't fun to read but I felt the need to be honest about my feelings and whats been on my heart. My life is easily stereotyped and misconstrued to be luxurious and carefree and I just want you to remember that I'm human too. I will leave you with one happy photo from our trip last week just so we end on a good note.

LD