A Real Secret

I use this blog for many things. It is a place I document milestones in our life. I share recipes. I tell stories. I let you preview things I've sewn or crafted. I hope that you get to see who I really am. I probably share more here, than I do in real life. Maybe more than is necessary. I have felt for almost a year now to share something with you that is really personal and every time I try to write it, I decide that it isn't something that needs to be shared. With summer temps being here, I am reminded of this thing daily. I feel that maybe if I share, I can finally accept it and move on. Maybe I won't, but I'll at least be one step closer. 

I've struggled for years now with skin that breaks our more times a year than a bar fight. I have let this, my outward appearance, keep me from so many things.

Years ago, I struggled with acne on my face. In college, I remember taking natural medicine and my roommate and friends thought I was crazy. I tried Proactiv. I made several dermatologist appointments and spent money on almost any and every type of 'skin clearing remedy' anyone recommended. I skipped going out because make-up just wouldn't cover it. I worked at a restaurant where people always saw my face. I also worked at a bank where again my face was exposed. One time I was asked if I got hit by a truck because I had a very large broken out area on my chin. As an 18 year old girl, how do you respond to this? My parents supported me and probably felt helpless because they knew their child was hurting on the inside and there was no quick fix. I was picked at by my brothers and sister but I know they were deep down trying to help ease the situation. We use comedy in our family so much that I wish now I wouldn't have gotten so offended. And I apologize to them if I ever made fun of them for any reason. I had one serious boyfriend before I met my now husband. Sadly, I can't remember him ever calling me beautiful or pretty. My friends knew it was a sensitive subject and more than not it was never talked about, unless of course I brought it up.

That's been years ago, and since my skin has cleared..on my face. Which leads me to my back. 

On my wedding day, I put this fear aside. I knew that not ONE person would say anything to me about it. I felt beautiful and flawless the way every bride should on a couple's special day.

Other than that, I've been hiding it for years. I currently have my hair as long as it's ever been to help cover it up. I pick out only clothes that will not leave my skin exposed. I skip out on invitations to the pool or beach, and often give those who invite me a lame excuse instead of telling them why I don't want to go. I've missed out on way to many pool dates with my sister to count and she graciously understood and we did other things.

I've allowed this to control me. I'm ready to face that fear or at least admit to you that I'm not perfect and that I have insecurities. I know that it isn't going to be easy. I'm going to put on tank tops or dresses and at the last minute change my mind and put on something to cover it up. But here is the thing, it really doesn't matter. 

This is me, this is who I am. I know with my whole entire heart, I would never lose a friend over this and this would never interfere with making new friends. They are going to love me for me, not for my skin. I should know better than this. I can however lose friends because of an ugly heart, an awful attitude, being negative, saying hurtful things, lieing, gossiping, and not being true to myself. 

I encourage you to look inward for the real source of beauty each and everyone of us have been given.

1 Peter 3:3-4 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 

Also, a quick special thank you to my encouraging and loving husband who makes me feel beautiful every single day.